The Reluctant Psychic: A Memoir
By Suzan Saxman

A gripping and unsettling portal into the life of a woman who lives in many worlds, some wildly far from and some eerily near to our own.

As children we all had our imaginary friends and monsters in the closet. But for Suzan Saxman, those friends and monsters didn't go away--and they weren't imaginary.

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Note: minh nghe audio book roi type, there will be lots of mistakes, sorry.  I had many issues with my old cd player but the info from the book are so interesting, I will try my best and do what I can.

"What are you looking at?" People would ask me.  "No one you can see", I would often answer.  My real education has always been from the dead, what I really know about the world has come from the other side of the veil, my colledge, my grad school, my advanced degree, my honorary degree, they all came from the other sides, that's what I know about.  I don't really know how to define myself, I saw dead people, I saw visions, the future, the past, was I a psychic, a clairavoyance or a medium?  I still don't know. I am an open channel.  What ever you need to know from the other side, that's what comes through.  

I was most surprised to find that the dead didn't seem to be much different from the living, they complain, they worry about money and law suits, who is going to get their saphire necklace, want to make sure the tomestones are done right.  You think that when you are dead, you're nolonger have to worry about the earthly things, but they didn't, nothing changes them, they don't suddenly become enlightened.....

I've noticed the suicides are quick to tell me that they didn't mean to kill themselves, it was just a big mistake.  I don't know if they're telling the truth, they just want to comfort themselves because they're embarrashed about what they've done.  They came thru and say: "oh shit, shit, shit, what did I do", they regret it.  I've never met a suicide pleased with what they've done.  Here is the crazy thing, all that rage and unhappiness they thought they would get rid off by dying, they are stll stuck with it.  The work you got to do is the work you got to do, you got to figure out what matter while you're alive.

The animals were able to release all earthly emotions and be happy on the other side, no matter how hard they died, or how cruel they were treated.  They just want  to let their human friends know how much they love them, and children too.  I've never met a child who die young, in an awful car accident or lukemia were any regretful by the experiences.  They are always radiant, more concern about their parents' despair.  They are connected to the basic joy, easily lost by the trivials of the world...

Unhappy lives lead to unhappy deads.  I also have flashes of people's past lives, streamed thru my eyes like a movie ... thru many hystorical periods, many I recognized, many I didn't. One guy who came to see me, was in the army, and the moment he sat down, I saw battle field after battle field, he'd always been a soldier, life after life.

People have come to me to help them decide if they should keep their babies or not.  I am basically pro choice, but it seemed like the people who came to me were lead by their babies, their souls wanting to come into the world, I felt, many babies who didn't want to be born, make sure their mothers didn't think about it too much.  I do know that aborted babies come back to their mothers to be reborn at a better time, I often seen this, or the babies go to other families, they were never angry at their mothers.  They have so much more wisdom, understanding and compassion than the angry protesters.

The movement between life and and death is very fluid to me, back and forth, back and forth, nothing is never final.

I wish people know more about life, death and rebirth are so much more complicated than one single life time, one single decision.

Sometimes I saw terrible medical problems, I saw inside a woman's body and her doctor verified it.

Quickly I discovered that I was a different psychic than the others.  Lines of people would be waiting to talk to me, a waiting list to come to see me.  Words were getting out about what I could do.  I was so popular.  I can really do this.  I did so many readings and didn't have any idea how powerful that was, I almost remember nothing with any clarity, I wasn't there, I was gone most of the time so I could be an open channel, so I don't have many memories of those years...  I stopped feeling responsible for what I said and did.  I was still in my twenties.

I knew he was a correction officer the moment he walked in room and hunkered down into the chair opposite me, he hasn't said a word and I already knew why he came to see me.  "You want to kill your wife, don't you?"  "What are you talking about?" "You think you are going to get away with it", "I just come here to find out if that bitch is cheating on me, is she cheating on me?  Will you tell me that?"
"Get out of here, right now, let me tell you one more thing I know, if you going to kill her, you won't get away with it, you'll go to jail, they will lock you up, and other prisoners will kill you. "  I said, I don't know if I saved his wife's life, but I tried.

I saw dates and names from the ticker tape inside my head.  Other psychics started to come to get readings from me.
People coming to these psychic fairs not for fun, but they were trying to figure things out, they have questions, often as the last resort, the last hope, their only hope...

One woman was ready to pay me 10K dollars to get her dead mother to testify for her husband, Will.  "I want you to put my mother on the witness stand", "but she is dead", "get her ghost there, she is the only one who knows my husband is innocent", "I can't do that, and if I could, I think you should pay me a lot more than 10K, have to pay me at least 20K".  "I can't come up with that", "well, I can't come up with your dead mother, I don't animate the dead, it's not my thing" .

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I think a lot of ailments are connected to past lives, breathing difficulty, sore throats, stomach pains, that asthma might be the memory of smoke inhalation, the knife the back might be the knife in the back .  I know a woman who can't stand to wear turtle neck, I am convinced that she were beheaded more than once. You can't prove this of course, but one thing I've noticed that when people are connected to these past lives, their health problems often disappeared.

Chronic illnesses often have deep seeded connection to reincarnations, birth marks can be echo of old burns and wounds.  A kid I saw had a hole in his eye had been speared as a soldier.  Sometimes children are born with deformities because they have not had enough time to heal in the after life, they come back too quickly, their injuries were too upsetting for them to let go.  The deads need time to heal, the etheric bodies need to be healed, as well as the physical bodies.

I wasn't able to do readings for myself, but I do trust my intuition, I knew that these guys were sweet and harmless...    Maybe my past life was a beggar that I always feel comfortable among the homeless.  Evil does scare me,....., and the people who hurt animals, the rich boys who fly to Africa to batter the giraffs or cut the tails of elephants...  Their lack of respect for lives around them I find disgusting.  The most evil things are always war with nature.

Graves are every where in England and everyone knows it... (talking about her trips to England).

No matter where I went, people kept following me and asked me to look into their lives, but I could not find anyone to tell me about my own.  Should I move to London or stay in New Jersey?  I didn't know.  People would often ask me if I have a spirit guide or an angel who tells me these things, but it's not like that, it's more like I connect with spirits people bring into the room, or at least that was I always thought.

...She starred at me for a long time without saying anything before she disappeared, but when she did, I remembered looking out the window and seeing the sky turning red, absolutely grimsoned.  She might had been there for a second or an hour, I realized I was crying, life will never be the same again. " The angel has come, the angel is here", I was so overcome, "did you see that?"
Angels are overwhelming, even when you don't see them.  There was nothing as an ending, there is no death, only wild and wonderful change, I was absolutely part of it that night.

The angel started talking to me: "If human beings cannot learn at last to respect nature, the world will get rid of us, it could happen at any moment".  She didn't say how but she wanted people to know how the earth has been violated, drilled, abused and raped, and the earth herself is a living breathing being that could fight back and would.  This wasn't new to me, honestly I don't think it is new to most people, we just don't want to admit it, we don't want to know it, we don't know what to do about it.

Two teenage girls came for a reading, the moment they sat down in my living room, I saw a girl between them, her cheek bone was broken, her neck was covered in bruises... "who is Janet?" I asked.  The girls started screaming, "oh my god (3)!"  The night of the prom, Janet has been found strangled in the dirt, but Janet said it's not the black man who did it, I can see white hands on her throat.  The girls were screaming again, Steven showed up, he needs you to know that.  Now the girls were cluching each other, shaking and crying.  It turned out that the delivering man kind of slow and disabled has been coerced into a confession, but Steven, the boy that they went to school with has disappeared a month after the murder, he had been stocking Janet.  The girls were hysterical, with their mothers and their friends on the cell phones, but what could they do?  The psychic's testimony wasn't evident enough to reopen a murder case.

I've seen terrible things in my readings, babies born with deformities, still births, children who died young, I knew there were darkness in the world and I was scared.  When I was pregnant, I stopped doing readings, I didn't want other people's entities getting too close to my baby.

... We arrived here with past lives experiences and relationships, triumph and tragedies that have brought us to this moment.  Everyone has a mix of such goods and bads.  You look into babies' eyes and you'd know that they're seeing things, knowing things, they have stories behind them and ahead of them, they are not tarnished by events of this life, but they are hardly ever brand new.

My gift is sacred, it doesn't seem to help people get rich.

When kids are young, they still remember things of their past lives, they'd let you know all kinds of stuff if you listen.

I started to get all these calls from the police to help finding missing children.  If you consult the psychics about these things in the first place, why bother being scientific about it?  All of the kids they asked me to find were already dead by the time I looked, every single one, nobody was ever alive.  I'd know where the bodies were a lot of the times, but every time I got a missing person, dead.  It got to the point I dreaded every time I got a call from the police.

Mothers came to me wanting to know if their kids were possessed.  Something about being a mother had shifted my energy.  I was getting requests for different kinds of work, in the 90's there were a lot of possessed children, or a lot of kids who were misbehaving, a few of them might be demonic, they were creepy kids but I wasn't an exocist.

I knew from my readings that children were never alone or lost on the other side, often I saw them with grand parents, pets, even long ago ancestors.  They never want people to grieve for them, they were never unhappy.

A mother of a little girl dead from a car accident came to see me a year after.  She was sitting beside her mother, "it was my time" said Caroline, "I am coming back down" she told me, "I am back".  "You are pregnant, aren't you?" I asked Caroline's mother.  "No, I don't know, maybe".  "You are pregnant!"  I told her, "it's a girl, it's Caroline, she already come back".  "But why did she had to leave?"  
That afternoon, Caroline's mother called me, she was pregnant, 8 months later, she gave birth to a baby girl.  
I still don't know why Caroline had to leave in the first place, did she sacrificed herself for something? But what?  Where was she going?
I have so many questions these days about life, reincarnation, heaven.  Why was I even born?  What am I suppose to do with my life?

For all the women who came wanting to know if their boyfriends were cheating on them, and the men wanting to know fast tracts to wealth, others like Caroline's mother,  I feel like together we have touched something vast, mysterious and important.  That's when I am glad I do what I did, as hard as it sometimes is.

Chapter 14: Burn me, drown me, kill me, I'd just keep coming back

I've always have flashes of different times, I think everyone does, but they'd dismissed them as just imaginations.  We all have interest and fear regarding who we once were.  These visions (in England) were increasing and upsetting, I want to let go of them.
I mentioned about them to a client one day, he suggested that I consult with his sister who is a hypnotist.  She helped people process karmic information about reincarnation.  She is a real psychiatrist who did hynosis on the side, I immediate made an appointment with her.

She is more clinical (smoking and weight) than spiritual, still she helped people go back to conquer phobias.  Fear about flying or snakes or spiders were often connected to past lives' traumas.  

"You are looking at the moment of your death", she told me.  "I was burning", there was no experience of physical pain, but I knew I was seeing the moment when my spirit has separated from my body, it wasn't frightening, there is no reason to be scared of that moment, we've all done it before, we all going to do it again, here we go again, that was the thought in my head.  There were people around and starring at me, my hair was down and blond.  I wondered if this it why I can't never strike a match or light a candle, I am not afraid of fire, it's just that moment that the flame burst that enerves me, once the fire is burning, it's not frigthened any more, it's exhilarating......(and many more of her past lives during hypnosis). Always fire and more fire, burned and crushed, but and again there was no pain, only the consciousness that I was going somewhere else, the place where the angels were.

(still talking about her hypnosis)...We take love with us from lifetimes to lifetimes, I have that mother's love, I haven't known until now that her love has sustained me during the suffering of this life.  When I was born in this life, I was again an old woman, the eery worn psychic seen and known too much.

Usually in recession, you go from one life to another, staight line, but my lives were out of sync for some reason, I suppose time has been very fluid for me, the past the future the present, it's all happening at the same moment.

I saw more fire and burning, again and again I was destroyed for what I was, murdered, raped, beheaded.  I saw myself kneeling before a block, I wanted to do it right this time, this time.  I have so much practice at dying, I was frightened that it wouldn't happen fast, there was a rage in me too, against the pope, I knew he was one of my enemies.  I tell you right now, I can't remember ever been easy for me.  If you now see me as an oracle, there are others who always want to kill me.  I had never been a mother, this time is the first.

At last I was seeing in the blue sky, a blue hand flying, looked at the hand flying away, I knew that I was thinking at that moment "I am flying away, flying away", and then I am coming back.  I was sobbing.

So many people imagined that when they look at their past lives, it'd be an ego boost, they think that if they can claim some celebrity in a past life, it'll justify their being a looser right now, but it doesn't work that way.  You shouldn't live less of a life this time around because of who you used to be.  If we are ready to pull back the clock of time and really see what's there behind us, we can begin to see of who we are and what we have to do.  Every life makes us who we are, we also get to a point where we get beyond what we were.  I looked at those moments with some detachment, yeah, I was there but I am here now, and that's what I have to think about.

Why was I born in America? It seemed like it's the first time I was here at this side of the Atlantic, was it an accident?

What I do know that I've never been anything else other than a psychic, I saw that very clearly during my regression, this is what I have been and will always be, it's the only thing I can do.  I have no other skills, none, never have.  But no matter how often I was silenced, or executed or imprisoned, I just kept coming back, doing the same thing.  Put me in a cage, burn me, it doesn't matter, I'm not going anywhere, none of us are.

I had been at the moment of death of every lifetime and there wasn't any pain. What I haven't seen there was that place immediately after death that the Tibetan called the Bardo realm.  Why don't I have any memory of it?  Eventhough I certainly been there plenty of times, does anybody? Or they can only do that with near death experiences.  Maybe if we remember that heaven, we all want to be dead and we wouldn't incarnate again.  Why do I choose to keep coming back?  I guess I don't want to miss anything, prosecution, torment, proverty, immolation (death by burning), who wants to miss it?

This is an interesting read. Thx!

Now I really have to find Jack, I was having more and more dreams about him, it felt like he is increasing communicating directly with me.  I became obsessed with meeting him, I was beginning to sense that he didn't have much time left on this realm.

The past life therapy that had confirmed that once upon a time Jack and I have been brother and sister, but what is our connection now?  Was he part of my soul group in some way? Each day I was consumed by this nagging feeling of how to find him.

I was going to California, to a Hollywood conference to meet Jack Wild, a british actor from the 60's, he was going to be there. I saw a man at check in and immediately noticed the psychic energy, the connection I've never felt with anyone in my entire life, it was electricity, a deep inner sense of calm, this was a reunion, I knew it.  I tapped him on the shoulder, "hi Jack", he smiled and said "it's you", as though he was waiting for me, expecting me.  It was a surreal moment, outside of time, he wasn't surprised to see a stranger tapping him on the shoulder.  He was looking at me as though he recognized me, and had been looking forward to see me.  

He knew who I was, I knew who he was.  I didn't have the nervousness to meet a movie star, instead I was flooded with the visions of a family in London, singing together.  The longing and the love was overwhelming.  This was my family, my brother, this was my soulmate.
I wouldn't in a million years imagined what I said next, but the words just stumbled out, "can I have a hug?" I asked.  Without another word of introduction, alarmed or surprised, he just opened his arms and welcomed me into an embrace.  Everything felt away, names, faces, places, time; I was home.

A mirage lifetimes swept before my eyes, in every lifetime there was Jack.  We were holding each other at the Beverly Hills Garland (hotel) and I saw lifetime after lifetime flashing before me, like falling down a wormhole.  I'd know I've known this person for centuries, and my connection with Jack was older than anything I've ever known.  We have found each other.

He was wearing a big silver cross on his chest, the symbol of traditional religion that made me worry about him.  Maybe he wouldn't like that I was a psychic.   Jack was one of the oldest souls I ever met, but old souls don't prosper in the modern world, he was an alcoholic all his life, "it's the way I was made", he said.

Jack and I had so much in common, we were almost the same height, our hands looked alike.  "Jack, I think we are brother and sister", I said.  "My father was in a merchant marine and spent a lot of time in England in the 50's, he had a lot of girlfriends, could your mother had an affair?"  I know that this was true, I knew that he was my half brother, a brother in another life, and a half brother in this one, "that's why my son looks like you", I said.

.............

Everyone who comes to me wants to find their soulmate, they imagined it happened in every lifetime, but it doesn't, always missing each other, and grew wildly different ages, sometimes with the wrong gender, sometimes we only see each other for a moment at a subway station.  I met my soulmate in California and we spent four days together.  Knowing who he was in this lifetime, and ours were an ancient soul connection.  I knew he wasn't going to last much longer, but I've seen him in this life.  This four days with his was as much as I could bare in this lifetime, by the time I go back to England again, I knew he would be dead.  We were both crying as we said goodbye, "I just want to tell you that I love you, I've always loved you, always will".  "You are much loved, and will be much missed", I said that to him at the airport.  Later I found that that he had edged that on his toomstone when he died.  I continue to meet him in my dreams, however.

Debra was looking for a man, she is a knock out, giant boobs and long glorious eyelashes, also warm and friendly.  One day she showed up with a photograph of this man she just met.  "He's the one", she was really happy, but when I looked at the man's picture, flashing lights, warning bells were on high alert.  Something was the matter, I didn't know what, I shook my head, "I don't trust him", I told her.
"You've got to meet this man, he bought me a diamond ring, he's taking me to Hawaii, he adores me as much as I do, he's going to marry us next month, I am in heaven".  She married him, they had only married for a few months when the police showed up at their door, he was a bigamist, other families, each of which he abandoned, he changed his name each time he left and started over.  
I felt terrible, I wish I could have seen it but I couldn't.

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Bob who was a real estate lawyer who works for our apartment complex, the moment I heard his voice from my answering machine I knew that he is going to turn my life up side down.  I had no idea what he looked like or his situation was, but i knew and felt that he is the can of worm I didn't want to open.  He kept calling and I didn't dare to return his call, but it was urgent that I couldn't ignore him anymore.

The day of the appointment I was scared to death, I didn't know why.  I think it was part of me that had a crush on him, with his voice.  A most expensive sport car pulled up in front, out of it the most handsome man I've ever seen who was wearing an elegant italian suit, who was well groom.  This was not the usual kind of person who came to me for a reading.

He has so many decisions to make he told me, about women and money.  He showed me two photograpshs, one of his ex-wife and one of his fiance, "I am feeling really confused", he said, "I don't know what am I doing with the ladies anymore, should I marry again?  My girlfriend is pressuring me, I don't know, what do your cards say?"   The voice in my head was clearly saying "none of these girls were right for you.  I am the girl for you."  I'd offer him a spiritual guidance he clearly needed, and he would give me the comfort and security I craved, maybe the spirits were finallying giving me something easy and fun, a simple man in my life.  This is the first and the only time I ever lie during a reading, I've never made up things before, this time I did.

I was convinced that I made the right choice to walk out on my husband, I ignored the little voice in my head "this isn't really you, this can't be you".  Out the door, David had one last thing to say to me: "No body else can tolerate you, you know, you are too wierd".  "David, I'm going to have a normal life, this is a normal guy".  But of course that's not what happened, my adventure into normal life was anything but normal.

I saw a woman for a reading the other day and her life was a blank, I saw absolutely nothing, no past life, no spirit haverned close, no story, so secrets, no lost loves, nobody waving for her around the corner, she has two cats and that were it, it's going to be an absolute hell, I thought to myself.  She sat across from me where I do readings, and we starred at each other, nothing, there was nothing in her life.  I felt like saying to her "go, you've got to go,"  but how do you say that without hurting the person's feelings, she'd never been married, never even had a boyfriend, she've been stuck at the same job she hated for 20 years, she was never going to leave it and yet she comes to me hoping I going to tell her something that will change all that.  But what could I possibly do for this woman, I can't make a life when there's nothing there, that's not what I do, I don't make things happen, all I can do is to see what's there.

My eyes were glazing over, felt like I was in a coma.  I was just about to tell her "I can't do this, I am not going to charge you", when I saw the violin, "you play the violin, don't you?".  "Are you serious, how do you know?", "well, I see a violin in your house, it wants to be played, in fact it's screaming to be played".  "I volunteer at the orchestra sometimes", "good", I said.  Something else was becoming cleared to me, "oh, and your cat? It gets something grown on its liver".  "Aren't you aware of Sunshine?" She said clearly rattled, "who wouldn't want to have your job",  "sometimes I don't want to have my job either".

Readings aren't always good for people, too much information can be unnerving, it can make some people crazy.

This elegant polished woman gave me a visit one day, her hair was expertly styled, she was very well put together.  During our reading, I saw her surrounded by strayed dogs and I was strucked by the insight that she has the heart of an animal rescuer, I told her so, at the time she seemed both surprised and delighted by the information.  After she left, I imagined she'd gone to one of the local pound and adopting a mud.  

Months later at a grocery's store, I heard someone calling out to me, I looked around and saw a big pickup truck, the back was stacked with animals' crates, each one was filled with 3 or 4 howling miserable dogs, it must of been 60 dogs all cramped together.  Emerging from the truck was the woman, very recognizable, her hair wasn't brushed, she was wearing an unwashed shirt, she looked terrible but she was delighted to see me, "I am doing what you wanted me to do", she explained.  I was horrified, she was hording dogs, it was eye boggling insanity, I wouldn't know what to do.  "What have you done?" I asked in horror, "you've changed my life" she said, "I've never been so happy, come, come, pick out a dog for yourself, you have to".  I wanted to get them all away from her.

It had been in the news, they found her house packed, floor to ceiling with dogs in crates, she've been adopting them from shelters all over the state.  She was jailed for animal cruelty.  Was I responsible for what happened? I have no idea, but sometimes good readings go bad.

I walked in to the nursing home and I was overwhelmed by the psychic chaos, so many unresolved feelings, lost, anger and fear, such horrible fear, the agony made me want to vomit, it wasn't a rest home, there was no rest there.  

I knew of many years as a psychic that nothing is ever hopeless.  I've seen reconciliation coming from the other side, alcoholics, parents who abandoned their kids and couldn't own the mistakes when they were alive, they finally see the suffering of their children, it can takes 20, 30 years, it doesn't necessarily happen right away.  I also see dead people so trapped in their anger, it's terrifying.

Love and the practice of love, that's the only thing that will saves you in the end.  I really believed my mother was possessed in the nursing home or at least that was what I told myself.  The fear of mental illness in my life had been very real, when I was 12, my grandmother had gone beserk, ripping up bibles and breaking her rosary beads, my aunt had called in a Catholic priest to do an exocism on this 80 years old woman.  "Grandma is not really grandma anymore", they told me.

I do think that at the end of our lives, we become more open than we have been since childhood, the angels and demons are ready to fight for our souls, it's the last fight of good and evil.  If we don't have real faith, a true belief in goodness, the demons can claim our souls.  But it's not our outward believes that matter in the end, it's how we lived and loved.

That nursing home was hell for my mother, her dementia was hell, every choice she made in her life and probably in her past lives had brought her to that particular inferno and she was burning in it.  That was a terrible thing to witness.  Hell is being stuck in our own karma.  Mother had ended in this life just as her last one, alone, but she wasn't really alone.

What happened to my mother in this life, in her last life to bring her to such a place of demented terror?

A spirit of an older woman appeared, turned out to be my client's mother, she was cradling a baby, one was her own miscarriaged child, the other was her daughter.  She was happy to be holding them.  I was wipping as I described how happy those unborn babies were in her mother's arms.  "We are all reunited".
............................

Chapter 20: How not to die

I noticed a smell coming from my mother's body, I remember that smell from when both daddy and Steve had died.  It wasn't so much the odor of decay, it's the sweet smell of funeral lillys, my mother smelled like flowers, death was coming.  She starred straight ahead, rigid and terrified.  She was over 95 years old then and her heart was still strong even when every part of hers began to collapse.  I knew that she didn't want to go, she was afraid that heaven wouldn't take her, because of her adultery affair, because she was dirty, or at least that's what I thought.

I desperately wanted my mother to experience some kind of feast before she left.  The hard thing was, I know from my readings how little changes the dead, they take with them their rage, their confusion or their joy.  It's not really death that should frighten us, but who we are when we arrive at the moment of death.

"You know there is an after life", I told her, "No".  "You saw what I do, talking to the deads, you'd still be able to talk after you go, not really saying goodbye".  "No" she said again, "I don't believe in any of that".  I knew it was defensive, I knew what she believed in was the judgement of a cruel, unforgiving God, I knew she was sure she'd going to hell, but I wanted her to be done with hell, to let go of it at last, and open to the possibility of love and forgiveness, I really believed that it could happen for her at the end, sometimes it does.
Even my crazy grandmother was able go let go of her demons before she passed away.  My aunt said as my grandmother was taking her last breath, her eyes had opened wide, her face had been transformed, an expression of wonder and joy.  She died smiling.

"Do you see angels?" I asked my mother, I've been praying that they had come to comfort her. "No", "do you see your mother or father?", "No".  Each breath seemed like would be her last, but she would not give up, her fury and rage at life seemed to keep her going.  I am the right person for the job, I brought my crystal, sacred oil...I asked people from the other side to come and help her, but no one wanted to come, even our dog.  I begged them, but no one wanted to be in that room with my mother.  I've never been to any place that is so spiritual empty like my mother's room, I wanted so badly to hear a word of forgiveness before she dies, some gesture of understanding or love.  I wanted her to be free, but she didn't.  On the third day, I wandered my attention for a moment, that's was when she chose to die, she didn't want me with her.

I couldn't feel my mother's spirit any where, no energy changes, no being that came, nothing happened at all.  Nothing had changed in our relationship.  My mother had never visited me once as a spirit, never visited my dreams.

Daddy had visited me after his passing and told me he knew I was not his daughter, but it doesn't matter, he loved me, he told me not to cook with teflon pan, because it would give people cancer.

Ngung nhe cac ban.